This year, the director of the preschool Susanna attends asked for volunteers to join the Parents' Council. I joined for three reasons: first, I wanted to be involved; second, I hoped it would be a good chance to make some friends of my own (two years after moving here, I still have precious few friends in this area); and three, if I made friends with some of the moms, then maybe our children could become friends.
The purpose of our first meeting was to discuss plans for the upcoming Fall Festival. The church was actually running it, but wanted the preschool to host a few activities for children. I attended the meeting, but had no clue what I would contribute. I had absolutely no ideas. During the meeting, most of the other moms came up with brilliant ideas: face painting, a hayride, a bounce house, painting pottery, story-telling, etc. They enthused about different craft ideas and offered supplies from their personal stash. I sort of sat there and allowed myself to have an inferiority complex about what a sub-standard stay-at-home mom I am because I don't subscribe to Oriental Trading, almost never engage my child in craft projects, and can't tell stories using funny voices.
I'm a good mother. I know that without a doubt. I may only have three years of mothering under my belt (and the hardest part is yet to come), but so far my children are happy, healthy, well-adjusted, well-behaved (at least around other people), and appear to love me and want to be near me. Heck, just tonight Susanna wouldn't let me leave her room until I read her a Bible story (from her kiddie Bible) and allowed her to kiss me.
But I think sometimes society paints this picture of "the perfect mother" and I (along with other moms) get tricked into thinking that unless we do X and Y and Z, we are falling short of the mark. We also compare ourselves to other mothers and maybe even our own mothers, and that does us no good whatsoever. My mom was/is an excellent mother, and there are many of her methods that I use with my children (and some, like "the subjunctive mood" that I'm holding onto for the right time). But then there are things that she did (like sew a good deal of my clothes when I was younger) that I just can't/don't want to do (I tried to learn how to sew, I really did. I even took a sewing class. But my fine motor skills are horrible, and I'm just no good at it. I don't enjoy it, either).
So, I can't/won't sew my children's clothes/costumes. But, I am very good at bargain-hunting and can find clothes that are stylish and good quality without spending a fortune.
I am not one of those moms who can't stand the thought of leaving her children for any length of time. I confess that every time I get called into work, I'm practically leaping with joy at the thought of being with adults for the day. I had no qualms at leaving both of them with my parents overnight last month, and would love to go away with James for longer than that. Of course I miss them and am delighted to see them when I return; I'm just able to enjoy being away from them, too. But, I have made some major professional sacrifices to be a stay-at-home-mom most of the time, and I've found that by spending the occasional day apart from them, I enjoy my children that much more.
I don't do crafts. I have no aptitude or interest in them. However, I send Susanna to preschool and Sunday school so she can have the opportunity to do crafts, and will happily purchase materials and encourage her creativity. I'll do the same for Greg when he gets older. I'm just not going to be leading Susanna and Greg in crafty activities. Ditto for making photo collages or anything else creative.
I don't lead my children in regular devotions and probably never will, unless they ask me to. But I pray for them, and with them, and I read them Bible stories. I also occasionally give theological lectures that are over their heads, but oh well.
Susanna has a partially-completed baby book and Greg has a totally empty baby book. However, chances are that if you ask me when either of them reached a milestone, I can give you at least a ballpark answer. And I have a good idea (also off the top of my head) of how tall they were/how much they weighed at a certain age. And unlike A CERTAIN MOTHER I SHALL NOT NAME, I have kept careful records of their immunizations, in case either of them ever need it as an adult.**
I didn't breastfeed either of them for a whole year, but I certainly put a lot of effort into it, and made it past six months with Susanna (exclusively pumping to boot!) and almost six months with Greg. (NOTE: Not that I think mothers who exclusively formula-feed are substandard. I just really wanted to exclusively breastfeed for a year for my own reasons). And the reason I stopped breastfeeding with both of them was so I could get back onto medications for my ADD and depression. In other words, so I could be sane and happy, both of which are essential for good mothering.
I also don't make my own baby food or buy organic, but also don't feed them McDonald's every day. Most importantly? I FEED THEM, and they're well-nourished and healthy.
Bottom line? While I'm not exactly the mother I "always imagined I'd be" and sometimes fall short of even my own standards, I am a good mother. I am developing my own mothering style, and realizing that so many of these little things aren't going to matter in the long run. After all, I don't remember if my mother did any crafts with me (I'm sure she did) and I certainly don't remember her making my own baby food, but I remember her loving me, and guiding me, and disciplining me when necessary. I remember her being THERE for me, and being my mother. And my hope, prayer, and expectation is that years from now, Susanna and Greg will be able to look back and say the same thing about me. And I believe that if I continue in the direction I'm going, they will.
I am a good mother. I may do things differently than my mother did, and I may do things differently than I ever expected I would, but I AM A GOOD MOTHER.
**When I was going through the process to become a certified candidate in the United Methodist Church, I had to fill out some health information that asked for the dates I received certain immunizations. I called my mom, and she said..."oh gosh, I know you got all those, but I have no clue when. The doctor's office always had that info." So, I called my pediatrician's office, and it turned out they had destroyed my medical records several years ago (since I was now 26 and hadn't seen them in at least six years). So...um...it all worked out somehow! Right! Actually, I've had my blood drawn and my titers (immunization levels) checked, so I know I'm immune to everything I need to be.
3 comments:
A man named Winnicott, a psychologist, I think is his credentials, wrote a book called "The Good Enough Mother." It talks about the reality that mothers only need to be good enough - that infact children learn from those occasions when mothers are unable to meet the needs of the child (i.e. the baby cries because the mother can't get there right away, the mother has to go to work, etc...)the child learns to self soothe, become self reliant and other-reliant, and essentially learns the skills the child needs to function as a healthy person in the world. We can get way to carried away trying to be the perfect mother, when all we need to be is good enough. And you surely are that! Good. and Enough.
I had that same lost immunization record problem. After two college health exam battles, and getting ready for a third, UNCs health center told me to have my high school transcript sent to them. I was SO confused and come to find out they are attached to your high school records in many states. Who knew!
Read the book "Myth of the Perfect Mother" - mine is on loan or I'd tell you the author's name. My mom gave it to me and I read it, it's really good! I know you are a great mom!
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