On Thursday morning, I will drive to the District Office and sit down with my District Superintendent for an hour or so to discuss my desire to go off family leave and go back under appointment as a local church pastor. Part of our conversation will center around the gifts and graces that I bring to ministry, so that he will be able to best discern what sort of church would be best for me. However, I also expect that my District Superintendent (as well as the Conference Relations Committee, with whom I will interview in February), will ask me the question, "why do you want to become a pastor again? Why don't you continue being a chaplain?"
That's a perfectly reasonable question, and on paper, being a career chaplain would make a lot of sense. I do believe that I have the gifts and graces to make chaplaincy a career. Being a chaplain would mean that I would not have to worry about the United Methodist itinerant system and could be assured that I would be able to stay in the area. Being a chaplain would mean a fairly regular schedule and stricter boundaries between my family and my job, which is an advantage with younger children. Being a chaplain would mean that I wouldn't have to deal with the realities of local church politics (I'm not saying that health care setting don't have politics, but the local church's emotional system is an entirely different animal), which can be excruciatingly painful for pastors.
Despite all the above, being a career chaplain just isn't an option for me. Over the past year, I have realized with amazing clarity what God has been trying to tell me for 18 years, and what I've been fighting for 15 years: that I am called to be a pastor in the local church. And if that is what God is calling me to do and who God is calling me to be...then I can't do anything else and still be faithful to God.
The concepts of "calling" and "vocation" are sometimes difficult to explain to people who may be unfamiliar with those terms and/or are still searching for their true calling. John Stott, a renowned theologian who died a few months ago, is remembered as saying "Go where your gifts will be exploited the most." Frederich Buechner, another theologian, is known for saying, "Your vocation is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
Both of those statements apply to how I feel about chaplaincy versus ministry in the local church. Being a pastor is how my gifts will be most exploited. Being a pastor is where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. In plainer, less theological terms, being a pastor is how God will work through me the best, and how I will best become who God is calling me to be.
For me, being a chaplain is almost easy. Don't get me wrong; it is often very painful and challenging work. There are days and nights when I go home exhausted because I have heard too much, dealt with too much, been exposed to too much pain and suffering. Chaplaincy is hard work; it is not a walk in the park. What I mean by "too easy" is that FOR ME, I am able to be a darn good chaplain (based on my self-assessment, the feedback I receive from patients and families, and my evaluations) while using my latent gifts and abilities and not leaning on God a whole bunch. After all, I was serving as a chaplain for several years during my "spiritual wilderness" before the Great Awakening of Late 2010, and doing a perfectly good job. So, in saying that being a chaplain is "too easy", I guess I mean that I'm able to be fairly effective at it without needing to fully rely on God...and that's kind of dangerous.
However, for me, being a pastor is much, much more challenging. I know it's what God is calling me to do and who God is calling me to be, and I know that I have the gifts and graces to be a fantastic pastor...if I give myself fully to God and rely on God's grace, wisdom, and strength on a daily basis. And going back to the "where my gifts will be most exploited"...I know that some of my greatest gifts will be far more "exploited" as a pastor than as a chaplain.
So, why am I going back to being a pastor? Because it's the only option for me...it's the only way that I can be faithful to God, the only way to fully utilize the gifts that God has given to me, the only way to become who God is calling Patti to be. I have to be a pastor. I can't do anything else. And I don't want to do anything else...because what I want most in the world is to hear and obey God's will...no matter where God leads me.
I'm "all in"...and what a wild ride it's going to be.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Thursday, December 01, 2011
A Little Dose of Grace
"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Romans 3:23-24
For the past two years, I've been working as a "PRN" (as-needed) chaplain for a local health system. I work at two hospitals whose spiritual care departments function autonomously but share a budget and the three PRNs (of which I am one). My official boss is a man I'll call Joe, who runs the Spiritual Care department at Maryview. However, I spend a lot of time working at DePaul (because they need me more), and the manager of that Spiritual Care department is a man I'll call Bert, and of course I report to Bert whenever I work at DePaul (although I think if Bert ever wanted to fire me, he would have to consult with Joe). It sounds confusing, but it's not, mostly because Joe and Bert are so incredibly gracious and easy to get along with (and they get along with each other). I have been very blessed to work with them for the past two years, and I will greatly miss them (and the rest of the chaplains) when I leave in June.
A few days ago, it occurred to me to ask Joe and Bert to each send me a letter of recommendation to my District Superintendent, to better aid my D.S. in understanding my gifts, graces, and growing edges in ministry. I hate asking for favors, and I hate asking people to say nice things about me to other people, so this was rather difficult for me. This morning, I summoned up the courage and made the calls. I called Joe first, and he readily agreed to write me a letter of recommendation. Whew. Next, I called Bert, who was out of the office (he is, after all, a chaplain), so I left a voice mail. When Bert called back about 20 minutes later, the conversation went like this:
B: Hi Patti, I was worried when I heard your voice mail.
P: Um...
B: You were supposed to work today...I was wondering if someone was sick or something came up.
(I was supposed to arrive at work between 10:30 and noon and work until 6pm. It was now 12:15. I was in jeans, had Susanna in the backseat, and was on my way to my mom's to pick up Greg. I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN. It wasn't even in my calendar.)
P: Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Bert, I'm sososo sorry...
(Patti blabbers on apologetically for a minute or so).
And Bert...just took it all in stride. He accepted my apology, was beyond understanding, accepting my humanity, my occasionally frantic life...and when I offered to do everything in my power to get there ASAP, he told me that it was OK (probably knowing that I would have to move heaven and earth, or at least bribe my mother, in order to get childcare at such short notice).
In the course of our conversation, I let it slip that I had called to ask him a question. Bert asked me what the question was, and I sort of fudged around and said, "maybe now's not a good time to ask it." He told me to ask it anyway. So, I sheepishly gave him the same spiel I had given Joe (going back under appointment, wanting my DS to know more about my gifts and graces, etc) and Bert readily agreed to write a letter for me. Even though I had totally failed him today. Even though my failure most likely meant that he would need to stay at work a few hours later, and not have an extra chaplain to help him out. Even though I've made other mistakes in the past.
I deserved a lecture and/or tongue-lashing, but I didn't get it. Instead, I received gentleness and understanding.
Some supervisors would seriously consider firing me, but there was no hint of that in Bert's words.
I definitely did not deserve for him to agree to write a letter of reference of my behalf, but he did.
When I hung up the phone, I was nearly in tears, both because of my embarrassment and because of Bert's...grace.
That's what I received today...a dose of grace from Bert. I received far, far more than I deserved. It was a fantastic example of the grace God gives us each and every day of our lives.
Even after we come to faith, we still struggle with our sinful and imperfect nature every day of our lives. We continue to fall short of the ideal, but God continues to forgive us, lift us up, and offer us second...and third...and fourth...and fifth...and five millionth...chances. God does not dwell on who we have been or who we are, but who we can be. When we fail God and expect condemnation, God merely helps us up, dusts us off, and walks with us on our way. God redeems and restores us, time and time again. We don't deserve it, which makes it even sweeter when it happens.
I think Cathleen Falsani describes grace in a great way: "Grace is like receiving a bowl of watermelon gazpacho when you were expecting Taco Bell."
So today, I'm thanking God for continuously giving me bowls of watermelon gazpacho instead of Taco Bell.
For the past two years, I've been working as a "PRN" (as-needed) chaplain for a local health system. I work at two hospitals whose spiritual care departments function autonomously but share a budget and the three PRNs (of which I am one). My official boss is a man I'll call Joe, who runs the Spiritual Care department at Maryview. However, I spend a lot of time working at DePaul (because they need me more), and the manager of that Spiritual Care department is a man I'll call Bert, and of course I report to Bert whenever I work at DePaul (although I think if Bert ever wanted to fire me, he would have to consult with Joe). It sounds confusing, but it's not, mostly because Joe and Bert are so incredibly gracious and easy to get along with (and they get along with each other). I have been very blessed to work with them for the past two years, and I will greatly miss them (and the rest of the chaplains) when I leave in June.
A few days ago, it occurred to me to ask Joe and Bert to each send me a letter of recommendation to my District Superintendent, to better aid my D.S. in understanding my gifts, graces, and growing edges in ministry. I hate asking for favors, and I hate asking people to say nice things about me to other people, so this was rather difficult for me. This morning, I summoned up the courage and made the calls. I called Joe first, and he readily agreed to write me a letter of recommendation. Whew. Next, I called Bert, who was out of the office (he is, after all, a chaplain), so I left a voice mail. When Bert called back about 20 minutes later, the conversation went like this:
B: Hi Patti, I was worried when I heard your voice mail.
P: Um...
B: You were supposed to work today...I was wondering if someone was sick or something came up.
(I was supposed to arrive at work between 10:30 and noon and work until 6pm. It was now 12:15. I was in jeans, had Susanna in the backseat, and was on my way to my mom's to pick up Greg. I had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN. It wasn't even in my calendar.)
P: Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Bert, I'm sososo sorry...
(Patti blabbers on apologetically for a minute or so).
And Bert...just took it all in stride. He accepted my apology, was beyond understanding, accepting my humanity, my occasionally frantic life...and when I offered to do everything in my power to get there ASAP, he told me that it was OK (probably knowing that I would have to move heaven and earth, or at least bribe my mother, in order to get childcare at such short notice).
In the course of our conversation, I let it slip that I had called to ask him a question. Bert asked me what the question was, and I sort of fudged around and said, "maybe now's not a good time to ask it." He told me to ask it anyway. So, I sheepishly gave him the same spiel I had given Joe (going back under appointment, wanting my DS to know more about my gifts and graces, etc) and Bert readily agreed to write a letter for me. Even though I had totally failed him today. Even though my failure most likely meant that he would need to stay at work a few hours later, and not have an extra chaplain to help him out. Even though I've made other mistakes in the past.
I deserved a lecture and/or tongue-lashing, but I didn't get it. Instead, I received gentleness and understanding.
Some supervisors would seriously consider firing me, but there was no hint of that in Bert's words.
I definitely did not deserve for him to agree to write a letter of reference of my behalf, but he did.
When I hung up the phone, I was nearly in tears, both because of my embarrassment and because of Bert's...grace.
That's what I received today...a dose of grace from Bert. I received far, far more than I deserved. It was a fantastic example of the grace God gives us each and every day of our lives.
Even after we come to faith, we still struggle with our sinful and imperfect nature every day of our lives. We continue to fall short of the ideal, but God continues to forgive us, lift us up, and offer us second...and third...and fourth...and fifth...and five millionth...chances. God does not dwell on who we have been or who we are, but who we can be. When we fail God and expect condemnation, God merely helps us up, dusts us off, and walks with us on our way. God redeems and restores us, time and time again. We don't deserve it, which makes it even sweeter when it happens.
I think Cathleen Falsani describes grace in a great way: "Grace is like receiving a bowl of watermelon gazpacho when you were expecting Taco Bell."
So today, I'm thanking God for continuously giving me bowls of watermelon gazpacho instead of Taco Bell.
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