All In: Because I Can't Do Anything Else

On Thursday morning, I will drive to the District Office and sit down with my District Superintendent for an hour or so to discuss my desire to go off family leave and go back under appointment as a local church pastor. Part of our conversation will center around the gifts and graces that I bring to ministry, so that he will be able to best discern what sort of church would be best for me. However, I also expect that my District Superintendent (as well as the Conference Relations Committee, with whom I will interview in February), will ask me the question, "why do you want to become a pastor again? Why don't you continue being a chaplain?"

That's a perfectly reasonable question, and on paper, being a career chaplain would make a lot of sense. I do believe that I have the gifts and graces to make chaplaincy a career. Being a chaplain would mean that I would not have to worry about the United Methodist itinerant system and could be assured that I would be able to stay in the area. Being a chaplain would mean a fairly regular schedule and stricter boundaries between my family and my job, which is an advantage with younger children. Being a chaplain would mean that I wouldn't have to deal with the realities of local church politics (I'm not saying that health care setting don't have politics, but the local church's emotional system is an entirely different animal), which can be excruciatingly painful for pastors.

Despite all the above, being a career chaplain just isn't an option for me. Over the past year, I have realized with amazing clarity what God has been trying to tell me for 18 years, and what I've been fighting for 15 years: that I am called to be a pastor in the local church. And if that is what God is calling me to do and who God is calling me to be...then I can't do anything else and still be faithful to God.

The concepts of "calling" and "vocation" are sometimes difficult to explain to people who may be unfamiliar with those terms and/or are still searching for their true calling. John Stott, a renowned theologian who died a few months ago, is remembered as saying "Go where your gifts will be exploited the most." Frederich Buechner, another theologian, is known for saying, "Your vocation is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

Both of those statements apply to how I feel about chaplaincy versus ministry in the local church. Being a pastor is how my gifts will be most exploited. Being a pastor is where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. In plainer, less theological terms, being a pastor is how God will work through me the best, and how I will best become who God is calling me to be.

For me, being a chaplain is almost easy. Don't get me wrong; it is often very painful and challenging work. There are days and nights when I go home exhausted because I have heard too much, dealt with too much, been exposed to too much pain and suffering. Chaplaincy is hard work; it is not a walk in the park. What I mean by "too easy" is that FOR ME, I am able to be a darn good chaplain (based on my self-assessment, the feedback I receive from patients and families, and my evaluations) while using my latent gifts and abilities and not leaning on God a whole bunch. After all, I was serving as a chaplain for several years during my "spiritual wilderness" before the Great Awakening of Late 2010, and doing a perfectly good job. So, in saying that being a chaplain is "too easy", I guess I mean that I'm able to be fairly effective at it without needing to fully rely on God...and that's kind of dangerous.

However, for me, being a pastor is much, much more challenging. I know it's what God is calling me to do and who God is calling me to be, and I know that I have the gifts and graces to be a fantastic pastor...if I give myself fully to God and rely on God's grace, wisdom, and strength on a daily basis. And going back to the "where my gifts will be most exploited"...I know that some of my greatest gifts will be far more "exploited" as a pastor than as a chaplain.

So, why am I going back to being a pastor? Because it's the only option for me...it's the only way that I can be faithful to God, the only way to fully utilize the gifts that God has given to me, the only way to become who God is calling Patti to be. I have to be a pastor. I can't do anything else. And I don't want to do anything else...because what I want most in the world is to hear and obey God's will...no matter where God leads me.

I'm "all in"...and what a wild ride it's going to be.