Random Ramblings, Fifth Disease Edition

• Susanna, we are pretty sure, has Fifth Disease. She started seeming feverish and congested on Thursday and woke up after her nap on Friday with this red rash on her cheeks. Kind of like someone slapped her, and that's a trademark sign of Fifth Disease. The rash is still present and she's still very weepy and snotty. 
• Greg got sick yesterday, with congestion and a fever. He barely slept last night and has been cranky and snotty all day today. I'm hoping that the combination of bath (with VapoBath), steam treatment, and a vaporizer in his room will ensure a slightly more restful night for both of us. 
• My husband went to Target, drove through Wendy's, and brought back a Frosty for both of us!
• My mom had a VERY SIGNIFICANT birthday on Thursday. It was really a victory, since this past year has been so hard and so long for her. And for us...but mostly for her. She's done with chemo, is now in radiation, and should be DONE in a month. We are fully expecting the score will be Mom 1, Cancer 0. Thanks be to God. 
• I am currently planning Greg's first birthday party. He'll be a year old on February 9. I can't believe that my baby is almost one!

Who I Am, Where I've Been, and Where I'm Going

Yesterday was the Sunday we celebrate the Baptism of Our Lord-when John baptized Jesus in the Jordan River. As part of the sermon, my pastor included a video from "The Lion King" on Broadway, using it as an illustration for God being within us, and reminded us who (and Whose) we are through our baptism. It was powerful, although if it had been me I would have used the above clip from the movie. BUT, he didn't ask my opinion and the Broadway clip definitely "worked" and may have been more relevant for other people. After all, there were several hundred others in attendance, and the Broadway show just had a one-month run in Norfolk.

What my pastor does not know is that I have used specific clips from "The Lion King" to illustrate my continued healing from Danville-gate. Go, Holy Spirit.

God is definitely doing a new thing within me. Even as recently as two months ago, I was actively searching for chaplain jobs and using the phrase "if I ever go back to the [local] church" as a pastor, with a big emphasis on the "if." And since my main focus in searching for chaplain jobs was fulfilling service requirements for ordination versus actual vocational fulfillment, I was sort of hazy and unfocused in regards to my future. I'm really not convinced that I'm cut out to be a SAHM for the long-term (more on that another time), but at that point (only two months ago) I had no interest in going back to the local church as a pastor.

Then, God started nudging me each Sunday through my pastor's sermons (that Holy Spirit can be really pesky). Then, in early December, the opportunity to preach last week pretty much fell into my lap. As I prepared the sermon, I began to remember how much I enjoyed it. And on, and on, and on. Finally, I knew what I had to do. I made an appointment with my District Superintendent (who oversees all the clergy on the Norfolk District) to discern/discuss the possibility of me becoming a pastor again. Together, we agreed that I'm not quite ready this year (Greg is still very young and I also think I may have presented myself as more fragile than I am), but that by next year (July 2012), I should definitely be ready to once again be Pastor Patti.

My plan over the next year is to remain on family leave, do whatever I can to finish healing, to gain more experience, to increase my confidence, and to basically do whatever necessary to begin my next appointment 100% ready to be Pastor Patti. I'm fairly certain that our current church is a good place in which to do that, and of course I have other resources available to me, as well.

The above video pretty much illustrates what I've been experiencing over the past six weeks and where I am right now.

And someday, hopefully 18 months or so from now (NOTE: the United Methodist system works on annual appointments from July 1 to June 30, so unless something literally falls into my lap, it will be 18 months. I've already mailed in my forms for family leave), I will once again be a pastor and once again be shepherding the people of God. Or, to keep using "The Lion King", I will be climbing Pride Rock and roaring:

Happy Epiphany!

This is a video of one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, and one that's fairly obscure. My college choir sung this back in the fall of 1997, and I fell in love with it. Enjoy!

But I Had Such a Fun Time! I Really Did!

This successful experience was brought to you by the grace of God, a stubborn will, and five units of Clinical Pastoral Education. 

I have preached in many contexts, not all of them pleasant. I have preached while pregnant, with painful Braxton-Hicks contractions rippling through my body. I have preached while in the throes of bronchitis (also pregnant, I should add). I have preached while a congregation glared poisonous daggers at me during the whole service (that was my next-to-last Sunday at St. John's). I have literally preached to the choir, when they were the only ones who showed up for a Maundy Thursday service.

However, I had never preached while suffering from the stomach flu. Until yesterday, that is**.

I woke up yesterday feeling kind of queasy and with some symptoms of mild stomach upset. I assumed they were due to nerves, because I had been putting myself under an unreasonable amount of stress about this sermon, service, etc. I ate some breakfast, got dressed, and headed to church.

The first service went well, but I was still feeling kind of queasy, so I ate a bagel and drank some water. It's a good thing I didn't eat the Hostess cupcake I received from a very nice gentleman who attended the 8:15 service (I still haven't eaten it, but I WILL, because I LOVE those things). I still felt queasy.

I went into the worship space for the 11:00 service to pray, re-read my sermon, and prepare for worship. Around 10:15, I began to have THAT FEELING. You know, when the queasiness turns into the I'M GONNA PUKE feeling. So, I walked very quickly to the ladies' room (which was mercifully empty), locked myself in a stall, and promptly expelled the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

I felt somewhat better, but found myself in a new predicament: was I sick, or was this just nerves? And if I was sick, then what should I do? My instinct was that I was coming down with the stomach flu, because I had NEVER EVER thrown up as a result of nerves. I also knew that James was not feeling great (and was, in fact, staying at home because he wasn't feeling well), so it was possible that I had caught whatever he had.

I did two things: first, I asked God to please hold off any further symptoms until the service was over and I was home. Next, I posted something on my Face*book status, asking others to pray for the same. Then I continued preparing for worship. After all, it was 10:30 by this point. I figured that as long as I could get up and down from the stage and stand to deliver my sermon, there was no reason for me not to finish what I had started. I had brought some mouthwash and used that, and sanitized my hands very very well.

And it worked. I compartmentalized the queasiness (hardly even felt it, really), did a reasonable job with the service, and headed home. Within an hour of returning home, I was shivering with a fever and unable to keep down even Pedialyte. That continued for the rest of the afternoon and evening. James (who was also miserable, as was Susanna) went out and bought some Gatorade and ginger ale. The Gatorade stayed down, and I began feeling better.

We're all better today and even eating solid food again. And I really really enjoyed preaching yesterday...I had forgotten just how much I missed it.

**Really, I wasn't THAT sick during the morning hours. It didn't get bad until I got home. But "I preached with the stomach flu" sounds good, doesn't it?

I Brought The Word, and a Side of Stomach Flu

Both services went as well as I could have expected them to go. Thank you for your prayers.

I came down with the stomach flu this morning, fought off the worst of it, and succumbed within an hour of getting home.

Feel Like Reading a Sermon?

My sermon for this Sunday is after the jump. Read at your own risk. Due to unforseen circumstances, I am now preaching at both the 8:15 AND the 11:00 services. Please pray for me tomorrow. I'm well-prepared, I've done this before, and I know the Holy Spirit has my back (and my front, and all of me), but there's a certain nervousness that comes from a) not having done this is 18 months and b) not having preached in this setting. I have a feeling that a number of people at the 11:00 service are going to be thinking, "huh? Her? I thought she was just some boring housewife. Wait...she's a PREACHER?"

So, please pray, especially that I will be able to focus first and foremost on pleasing and glorifying God, and not anyone else.

Merry Christmas from the Moneys!

Every year, we receive several Christmas cards from family and friends. Many of them include newsletters and family photos. Each year, I intend to send one out, but I never get around to it. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, you can have a Christmas card, albeit a virtual one.

We're all doing well. Our biggest news of the year is the birth of Gregory James, our second child (click on the link for more info). We call him Greg. He is an absolute delight, especially now that he's sleeping through the night. He looks exactly like James, and his resemblance to Susanna at the same age is uncanny.

Susanna at three is delightful, intelligent, energetic, and talks so much that we have difficulty getting a word in edgewise. She started preschool this fall, really enjoys it, and is doing well. Depending on the day, she either considers Simon (our black Lab) or Greg her best friend. Susanna has adjusted very well to being a big sister, and really loves her little brother. As you can see from the picture, she's not a huge fan of Santa, but that's OK.

James is still working at Booz Allen Hamilton, loves it, and they love him (great news in this economy!). I'm on "family leave", which means most days I'm at home with both of the kids. For the record, most of the time I love it. I'm also moonlighting as a hospital chaplain for a local hospital system, which provides not only a paycheck but also a vocational outlet. Only God knows what the future will hold for me in that arena (full time chaplaincy, returning to the local church, extending my family leave), but for now I feel blessed to be where I am and do what I'm doing.

May your Christmas be merry, your New Year be happy, and may God shower you with blessings!

Love,
James, Patti, Susanna, Greg, & Simon Money.

Well, This Should Be Fun!

Remember this post from last week? Well, the very next day, my pastor sent an e-mail to several of us who have pastoral experience and/or seminary education, asking about our level of interest in worship leadership AND seeing if any of us would be interested in preaching for him on January 2 while he's away (Imagine that! A pastor taking off after Christmas! like he's expecting to be TIRED or something). I replied on Tuesday afternoon, saying that I would be happy to preach at either service (we have a traditional service and a contemporary service) and would love to help out with worship leadership. (Of course, being ME, I said that in about ten sentences instead of two, and included a Brief History of My Vocational Life.)

So, I sent that e-mail and gnawed my fingernails checked my e-mail every five minutes patiently waited for his response (I really was patient. Having been a pastor, and still having many friends in the "business", I know that pastors cannot spend their whole day answering e-mails and phone calls). Yesterday, we went to a fun-filled family thing at church (it really was great. Free pancake breakfast and photos with Santa, a "angel gift shop", and a cookie walk/sale thingy) and within five minutes of us entering the pancake breakfast, he came over and confirmed that I would be preaching at the 11am service (that's the contemporary one, which we usually attend).

So, there you have it. I have my first preaching gig in over a year. I was freaking out hyperventilating for a few minutes, but I'm actually feeling good now. I'm pretty excited. It helps that I was reminded of a few things: first, that experience has shown me that as long as I am faithful to the "process of preparation" as one fellow blogger described it, I (with the help of God, of course) will produce good work and my nerves will be considerably reduced. Second, that no matter how large the congregation may be (average attendance around 250; I'm used to 40-50), I only have an Audience of One, and that would be the One who created me, loves, me, and called me to do this in the first place. God is the only one in the room whose socks I want to knock off, so to speak. Third, I am someone for whom learning and growth both come through experience. In order to gain that experience (and therefore learn and grow), I need to take some risks. This will also be a good initial test for me to see if preaching is indeed something I'm called to do/find fulfillment in, and whether I should go back to the local church. 

So, pray for me, will you? Particularly that I am faithful to the One who called me to ministry and whose Word I will be bringing, but also that my preaching will not cause my pastor to regret asking me to preach in the first place.

Food for Thought

I had another topic I was planning on writing about today, but then I clicked over to Joelle's blog and read her most recent post, which had me cocking my head and going, "huh" in a very good way. In other words, it provided me with a perspective I hadn't considered. That, by the way, is one of the reasons that I read Joelle's blog; she has this way of showing things from a different (but legitimate) perspective.

In this case, she's linked to this article from another blogger. I highly encourage you to read it, for the reason I mentioned above (different perspective). This blogger offers an alternative to the highly-popular Advent Conspiracy. One suggestion she offers: if you have money to spend, go ahead and spend it, but spend it wisely (keep your dollars local, focus on what will bring the most joy to others, not on giving gifts just for the sake of it).

Anyway, go ahead and read the article. I think it makes several excellent points.

Into Every Blog a Few Typos Must Fall

I took a look at the title of yesterday's blog post and realized that instead of "Danskos" I had put "Dankos"...without the "s". Brilliant, Patti. I will confess to being a complete and utter grammar/spelling snob. It drives me up the wall when people (particularly well-educated people) consistently make major grammatical and spelling mistakes. A few of my pet peeves are:

-Saying "you're" instead of "your" when using the possessive. Ditto for using "your" instead of "you're" when you mean to say "you are".
-Referring to the large table in a church that traditionally holds Communion elements, flowers, and Bible as "alter" instead of "altar" (the correct spelling).
-Using apostrophes when indicating plural nouns.

I could go on, but you get the point. I do pride myself on having very good grammar and spelling. However, I have noticed some grammatical errors in my blog posts AFTER I had published them. One major error was even pointed out by my MOTHER. It's pretty embarrassing to pride yourself on great grammar and then find errors/typos that wouldn't exist if you'd just been a little more careful (or if Blogger would add a "grammar check" feature).

So, if you find a grammatical mistake in a blog post, you have two options. First, you can e-mail me and point it out so I can fix it ASAP. Or, you can ignore it and figure that grammatical mistakes happen to all of us. It's your choice. I suppose there's also the option of noticing an error/typo and simply judging me, but if you're the type of person to do that, I'd just as soon you pointed the mistake out to me, so I can fix it.

No one's perfect, right?

If It Weren't For My Dansksos, My Feet Would be Bleeding

I probably walked about 15,000 steps today. I visited 29 patients and their families over a ten-hour period. That may not sound like a lot to you, but given that I am supposed to have MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION with each of these patients, it is a lot. Trust me.

I clocked in at 10:30am and clocked out at 9:25 pm, so I guess I technically worked for eleven hours. Whatever. My feet hurt. My mind is numb. I'm going to bed. I'll iron James' clothes in the morning.

I do feel very satisfied and fulfilled, though. But mostly exhausted. And cold. Do you know it's really cold outside?

Night-night.

Random Ramblings, Cookie Monster Edition

James is making chocolate chip cookies. Our new oven does a really, really nice job with cookies. Apparently his co-workers have requested chocolate chip cookies, and James is obliging.

I'll bring some into work tomorrow, too. I'm working at DePaul tomorrow, and am fairly excited about it. Getting myself (professionally dressed and groomed) and two kids out of the house, to day care, and to work on time is really not fun. However, I really enjoy working the occasional shift because a) I get to do something I really really love and b) I get to talk to adults. It's a nice break from being "Mommy" 24/7. And as a nice bonus, I make money!

I'm sort of in this "vocational limbo" where I'm deciding what to do for the next few years and for the long haul. Because I'm a provisional elder, I have eight years from the time I was commissioned to "fulfill the requirements for ordination and full membership." The requirements include: three years of full-time service (I currently have one year) and approval by the Conference Board of Ordained Ministry (which involves papers, psychological testing, and interviews). Since it's common to be "continued" at least one time, I really should add in a year or two of insurance. Therefore, by July 2013 I need to be beginning my third year of full-time service in order to really have a good shot at being ordained by 2015. If I'm not ordained by 2015, my understanding is that I have to re-apply for provisional membership and begin the process all. over. again. Therefore, I'm weighing my options and figuring out how I can accomplish that...and if accomplishing that right now is what God wants me to do (and part of that includes what's in the best interest of my family). It's somewhat frustrating and painful, because part of me feels like if Danville-gate hadn't happened, I wouldn't be in this situation. But it did happen, and I am here, so...

Greg is so so so much better. I'm only giving him two breathing treatments a day now, and I'm hoping to only give him one tomorrow, one on Tuesday, and then be DONE.

I must go now, because I need to clean up the cookie mess and then go to bed. Toodles!

On Ecumenism: Just Call Me Christian

There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:5-6

When someone asks me, "what are you?" in regard to my faith, I usually respond, "United Methodist," because that seems like the clearest, most straightforward answer. It's certainly true: I've been a member of the United Methodist Church for 20+ years, attended (and have a degree in religion from) a United Methodist college, my seminary student body was two-thirds United Methodist, and I am, of course, on the track for ordination in the United Methodist Church. It's where I feel most at home theologically.

However, saying that I'm United Methodist doesn't tell my whole faith story any more than saying I grew up in Northern Virginia tells my whole life story (see the "about me" section for more info on that subject). My mom was raised in a faithful Catholic home, and while she left the Church when she married my dad (a divorced non-Catholic), she certainly did not leave God or the church. For the first 12 or so years of my life, my family attended non-denominational, charismatic churches. James and I were married in an Episcopal church (I had been working there for almost two years) by a Baptist campus minister, with a United Methodist pastor celebrating the Eucharist. I've experienced some of the most awesome worship of my life at a Catholic church in Georgetown (my friend Joe took me*, and I returned on my own several times. It was awesome to the point where I gave brief thought to converting, but there are four or five theological/polity issues that need to be resolved before I would seriously consider it**) and at Taize. I am currently praying the Christmas Novena for an intention very close to my heart. I have found the grace, love, and peace of God in Jesus Christ, revealed through the Holy Spirit, in every Christian tradition of which I've been a part in some way, shape, or form. In other words, I'm sort of a "religious mutt in the Christian tradition." I am highly ecumenical, and feel like I am blessed because of it.

Therefore, I always get a little confused/exasperated/incensed (pick your word, depending on the situation) whenever I run across individuals or groups who, instead of embracing other Christians as sisters/brothers in Christ, question the authenticity or strength of the faith of others or even their salvation because of differing beliefs. I once had a friend (who is one of the most faithful Christians I know, and a cradle Lutheran) tell me that someone from a large, well-known Campus Ministry Organization spent ten minutes challenging his friend's salvation once they found out he was Lutheran. I have another friend who was raised (and still is) Catholic who, while in college, spent a significant amount of time with the Baptist student ministry (while still attending Mass at the Catholic campus ministry and remaining connected with that community). While on a mission trip with his baptist friends, he mentioned to some church person that he grew up Catholic. Their response, "Well, at least you're Christian now." Apparently they thought that the two were mutually exclusive. I guess it's good that he didn't tell them that he was still Catholic, huh?

I really have two main criteria for deciding if someone is a fellow Christian. Technically, it's really just one criterion with added clarification: 
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. Romans 10:9-10


My added clarification (if I'm gonna be really strict) is that if you can agree with the contents of the Nicene Creed (click on the link if you're not familiar with it), or at least the Apostles' Creed, then I know we have enough in common, belief-wise, that I will consider you a brother or sister in Christ, regardless of whether you are Catholic, Episcopalian, Anglican, Lutheran, Methodist, non-denominational, Baptist, etc, etc. Of course, it goes without saying that salvation is completely within God's realm: it is not up to me to decree if someone is "saved" or not. I do believe that when we all get to heaven, there will certainly be many people present who we Did Not expect, and probably even more people absent who we DID expect. However, I do believe in drawing the line SOMEWHERE, and that explains what I wrote above, because it's the criteria the Christian Church has been using for the past 1500+ years.

I guess my bottom line is, if we're all essentially on the same team (Go team Jesus!), then why do we WASTE so much time and energy fighting over doctrine, polity, and practice, when we could really and truly UNITE and totally rock this world with the love of Christ?

*Joe and I have been friends for 11 years now. We first met through ICQ (anyone remember that?), because he was apparently looking for a new friend (Joe is always meeting new friends; he could be in a room of terrorists and within an hour or two will have become friends with half of them and be engaged in a discussion on Mid-Eastern cuisine and which restaurant in Riyadh has the best hummus. I say all that with a great deal of affection), and I had somehow put my settings on "open to random chat." We met in person several days later, and he subsequently introduced me to the best frozen custard in the world and did wonders for my understanding and appreciation of Catholics and the Catholic Church. He got married about six years ago to a lovely woman who I think is absolutely perfect for him (although I've only seen her three times) and they have a lovely little girl who is about a month younger than Greg.

**The biggest two are: the priesthood (I do firmly believe in the priesthood of all believers, although I believe that clergy should have a priestly function during the sacraments) and the infallibility of the Pope (because I just have issues with any human being infallible). There are other issues, but those are the two that are major stumbling blocks and are keeping me Protestant.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on ecumenism. I'd love to hear your thoughts/responses, and especially your experiences with other Christian traditions. 

Not to be vain, but my parents say she looks just like me when I was her age

Susanna's school picture. Isn't she beautiful?

More Advent Ideas

Check out this link for some great ideas for celebrating Advent with kids:
http://www.conversiondiary.com/2010/11/baby-steps-for-celebrating-advent-a-cornucopia-of-ideas.html

Let's Get In the Mood...

This is one of my favorite Advent hymns, apparently arranged by one of my favorite singers, Chris Tomlin. If you've never heard of him, YOU ARE DEPRIVED INDEED. This is from a Christmas album, obviously. His original stuff is amazing. The lead voice is, I believe, Christy Nockels, from the (now retired) band Watermark.

Celebrating Advent/Christmas with Young Children

You'd think that having a seminary education and being a member of the clergy, my home would be a model of Christian discipleship and my children would be able to recite creeds and Bible verses backwards and forwards before they entered preschool. I hate to burst your bubble, but that's just not the case. James and I certainly believe that it is essential for us to share our faith with our children, both through modeling and teaching. However, like so many of us, sometimes the best intentions are left by the wayside in the flurry of life. That's not to say that our life together is absent of spirituality. We pray together at every meal, we are actively involved in a local church, we encourage Susanna to "talk to God" anytime she feels like it (especially if she's scared or lonely), and I read Susanna a Bible story every night and a little prayer book. Her preschool is affiliated with our church, and I know she's getting spiritual nurture there, too. Greg is still young, but we will add in these things with him as he gets older.

I still feel like I certainly could be more intentional about the spiritual formation of our children. (I'm using  "I" because I'm the one who spends the most time with them, not because I'm totally leaving James out of the equation. He's often the one who gets my butt in gear and reminds me of the importance of these things.)  So, I thought that Advent would be a great time to begin putting my money where my mouth is. I owe this inspiration largely to Emily, who is also trying to think of ways to make this season more meaningful for young children.

So, here are some of my (very tentative) plans, and what we're already done. There is secular stuff mixed in with the sacred, but I don't see any harm in that, as long as we place the focus on the real meaning of the season (HINT: It's the birth of Jesus, the Messiah, the son of God, God in human flesh, the Light of the World, etc):

1. This week we're decorating the inside and outside of the house for Christmas, including putting up the tree. Susanna mostly followed us around while we did this, but we talked to her about what we were doing, about Christmas and preparing for Jesus' birth, and how some of our ornaments have special significance (like the one we bought for our first Christmas as a married couple, the one for Susanna's first Christmas, some of the ornaments I made as a little girl, etc). 
2. We watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Laugh if you want, but I consider it a sacred tradition.
3. In two weeks, our church is having a special Christmas activity for children, featuring breakfast, pictures with Santa, an opportunity to shop for (previously wrapped) presents, etc. 
4. On the 17th, Susanna's preschool is having a "Birthday party for Jesus", including a Christmas program. OH THE CUTENESS.
5. We live an hour from Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and when we renewed our season passes, received three free tickets to Christmas Town, their holiday celebration. We're planning on going to that. 
6. Years and years ago, my mom made this beautiful Advent calendar. She gave it to me after we got married. I'm going to find it (we hung it up a few years ago, but haven't for the past two years) and hang it up somewhere in our house. There are 25 little flannel "ornaments" that are attached via velcro, with #25 being baby Jesus. The main part of the calendar is a Christmas tree. The idea is, that each day of December you add one more figure to the Christmas tree, with baby Jesus being the final figured added. I figure it might be a neat activity to do with Susanna (and Greg, but he'll be mostly watching) each night. 
7. Somewhere I have an Advent wreath, or maybe I'll just go and buy one (I haven't been to Cokesbury in a while! They must miss me!). Each night at dinner, we can light the appropriate candle for that week and maybe read a Bible verse. 
8. I'll read Susanna and Greg The Night Before Christmas on Christmas Eve. I'll also see what other Christmas books the preschool library has. 
9. Watching Christmas movies a few times a week, such as "The Muppet Christmas Carol". 
10. I can download some Christmas music from iTunes and see what Christmas CDs we have and simply listen to them together.
11. Our church has an "Angel Tree" program and I thought that maybe we could do that as a sort of service project. 

I'm keeping my expectations low, both for myself and for Susanna (again, at 10 months old, I'm not expecting much active participation from Greg). I really believe that so much of early faith formation is planting seeds and nurturing faith. My kids might not "get" it right now, but it is my hope and prayer that if we're consistent, then the seeds will eventually sprout and grow.

Anyone have any other ideas? This is sort of off the top of my head, so I haven't done much research. And I'm not exactly an expert in children's ministry, either.

Life, Death, and Everything in Between

This post is in honor of National Hospice and Palliative Care Month, which ends today.

I wasn't always passionate about palliative care, hospice, and end-of-life issues. In fact, I distinctly remember a time when I was very much on the "do whatever necessary to keep someone alive" bandwagon. When I was in high school or college, my maternal grandmother told me about her "living will" and desire to not be resuscitated if she stopped breathing. I was horrified. She was in her late 70s and in fairly good shape for a woman her age, but she did have a heart condition. In my youthful arrogance, I imagined myself ignoring her wishes, doing CPR anyway, and having her thank me when she woke up because...why, I don't know.
My views on that subject began to be more flexible when I went to seminary, which tends to be a time of examination and reformation of values, anyway. As I formally studied ethics for the first time, I began to become a little more open-minded. During my final semester of seminary, the Terri Schiavo case was front and center in the news, and there was a lot of discussion in our community around that issue.

However, it wasn't until the summer after I graduated from seminary that my current passion for end-of-life care was kindled. As part of my requirements for ordination, I did a unit of Clinical Pastoral Education at a local hospice. (In case you're not familiar with Clinical Pastoral Education, or CPE, it's basically supervised chaplaincy work, reflection in groups and one-on-one with a supervisor, and teaching seminars.) Over the next ten weeks, I learned so much about intentional living and dying, quality of life vs quantity of life, and the courage it takes to stop curative treatment, accept the end of your life is near, and do whatever possible to die on your terms. I was able to walk with several patients and families on that journey. One of my favorite memories was spending time with Charlotte, a patient with terminal cancer, the day before she died. We had gotten to know each other fairly well, and it was both painful and rewarding to pray with her and tell her goodbye, knowing that the next time I saw her would be in heaven. She died on her terms; surrounded by family in the inpatient hospice unit.

The phrase "dying with dignity" is often tossed around by those of us in "the business", but it's really a misnomer. Dying, in and of itself, is completely undignifying. After all, by the end you lose control of most things and are totally dependent on other people. I think a better phrase is "dying with as much dignity as possible", but I guess that doesn't sound as pretty.

The fact is, one of two things are going to occur: either Jesus will come to us (i.e. the Second Coming) or we will go to Him (i.e. death. I'm not preaching universal salvation; I'm simply saying that I believe we will all have our five minutes with Jesus before going to our final destination). Unless Jesus returns in our lifetimes, WE ARE GOING TO DIE. Moreover, we don't know how or when that will occur. I may be only 34 years old, in good health, and live a low-risk life, but I could die tomorrow or I could live another 60 years. Or, something could happen and I could receive devastating physical and/or mental injuries. I don't know the future, and neither do you. Only God knows the future.

Therefore, it makes complete sense to me to make some preparation and do some reflection on the future, and I encourage everyone else to do the same. First, everyone over 18 should have an Advance Directive (click on the link for more information and a way to download one that meets your state's guidelines). If Terri Schiavo had had one, then the whole fiasco over the feeding tube probably wouldn't have happened. Second, you should discuss with your family (parents, siblings, spouse, or children depending on your place in life) what your wishes are in regards to artificial life support, organ donation, and the like. That way, if you can't communicate your wishes, your family and Advance Directive can do it for you. Third, think about what gives your life the most meaning, and what you might be willing to give up in order to prolong your life. For example, my mother had to "back away" from some things she's been doing for years and LOVES, because of the time commitment and side effects of her chemotherapy. However, for right now, she feels that it's worth it to give those things up in order to have a fighting chance to have more years with her family (not that it's my decision to make, but I agree).  Finally, if you're over 60 or have a major health condition, I would also have a funeral home picked out and (if you're not a part of a local faith community), have an idea of who you would like to do your funeral. There have been so. many. times. when I have worked with a family whose loved one is dying/unable to communicate/just died and they are lost as to what to do, what the person would have wanted, what funeral home to call, etc. Advance planning, as difficult emotionally and logistically as it is, can make things so much easier when the moment comes.

And if you can afford it, get life insurance for yourself each member of your family. It's not uncommon for funeral expenses to run past $10K, so I would recommend at least that much, if not also enough to pay for outstanding medical bills, joint debts (if you're married), and any other transitional expenses.

My grandmother died in July of 2009 as a result of her heart condition and injuries resulting from a fall a few months prior. She simply went into cardiac arrest, and since she was a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), that was that. I was not with her when she died, but if I had been, I simply would have held her hand, told her I loved her, and let her go*. Because it was what she wanted, and it was the best way for her to die with SOME dignity.

*Not that it would have been my decision. She had actually made my cousin Mike her power of attorney, so he would have made the decision. But you get my drift.

I'm jumping off my soapbox now. I could write another several paragraphs, but your eyes are probably already glazing over. (: However, if you ever have any questions or comments, leave them in the comments section below or e-mail me, and I'll be happy to either answer them or point you in the right direction. I'm not an expert by any means, but fairly well-informed and very passionate on this subject.

My Kid Saved Me $110...

Explanation for the title: under our insurance plan, a doctor's visit is a $15 co-pay and an Emergency Room visit is a $125 co-pay. Read on...

So, when I checked Greg's temp this morning, it was back to normal. I debated not taking him to the doctor, but decided to go ahead and take him, because he still seemed miserable in the Respiratory Department. He was coughing a lot and wheezing a lot.

Our pediatrician has drop-in hours from 7:30-9:00 am, and we arrived a little after 8am. The waiting room was full (I expected it after the weekend, especially a holiday weekend). Almost four hours, one nurse practitioner visit, two nebulizer treatments, one chest X-ray, and a tentative diagnosis (only tentative because they can't run the actual test in the office) of RSV/bronchiolitis later, we left the building. They gave me a nebulizer machine for Greg (well, they're actually billing our insurance for it) and prescriptions for liquid Albuterol (for the nebulizer) and a steroid. The chest X-ray was to rule out pneumonia. Thankfully, that came back negative.

Remember this post from when Susanna was a baby? Susanna had the same thing Greg has. Apparently, Greg had reached that critical point in his illness where he was really having trouble breathing. He actually slept fairly well last night (in three or four hour stretches), which was why I was so surprised that he seemed so bad off this morning. Had he begun showing signs of distress overnight (the way Susanna did when she had bronchiolitis), I would have had to take him to the ER (which I did with Susanna*). Wasn't that thoughtful of him to wait a few hours before having breathing difficulties? I'm SURE he did that intentionally (of course he didn't. It was purely by chance).

So, we have a fairly sick little boy on our hands, but he will be OK in a few days. For now, we're giving him breathing treatments every four hours and a steroid once a day. He goes back to the pediatrician on Wednesday, but hopefully things will be better by then.

I have another post brewing about hospice and palliative care (hey! did you know that November is National Hospice and Palliative Care month? Neither did I until today!), but that will take actual time and more thought than I can drum up right now. Hopefully that will show up tomorrow.

*In Susanna's/my defense, I had already taken her to an Urgent Care center once and called the pediatrician's answering service early that evening when she seemed to be getting worse. I think that if medical care in Danville had been better, the ER trip would have been unnecessary, because the bronchiolitis would have been caught earlier.

Random Ramblings, Sunday Afternoon Edition

Greg is better, I think. He slept better last night than he did on Friday night. He's eating again (only liquids, but at least he's not dehydrated) and he occasionally has happy moments, which are relieving to see. I'm still taking him to the doctor in the morning, unless a miracle happens overnight. He still has a fever, a nasty cough, and is incredibly fussy. I want to rule out an ear infection, bronchitis, or croup. With my luck, they'll tell me it's a cold and will go away on its own. However, to me it's worth the co-pay for my peace of mind (or antibiotics, if he needs them).

We skipped church this morning because Greg wasn't feeling well (so one of us had to stay home). I had thought that James would take Susanna, but she has a yucky cough (still not sure if she needs to go to the doctor, or if I should keep her home from school tomorrow) and James was feeling sub-par. So, we all stayed home. I'm sure the women who work in the nursery were weeping over not seeing their favorite baby. However, people in the congregation may have been happy that the loud toddler was missing. Susanna likes to dance and sing during the songs (not really a problem) and offer commentary during quieter moments (including the sermon, which is why she goes to Children's Church midway through the service). I know it bothers me more than other people, and I'm willing to bet that our pastor doesn't even notice it (I used to be able to tune Susanna out while preaching, and since he has children, I'm sure there was a time when his children did this), but I still feel self-conscious.

Susanna, by the way, is showing some rather disturbing tendencies. In addition to offering insightful commentary during sermons, she has been known to pick up and "read": official Annual Conference documents (such as the Minute Questions from the Clergy Session at Annual Conference), a piece called By Water and the Spirit (the official UM teaching on baptism), and just the other week picked up one of our bibles and demanded that James read her the first two chapters of Genesis. If she starts reciting the Great Thanksgiving (a.k.a Eucharistic Prayer), I'll know I'm in trouble.

Gotta go...Greg is making discontented noises. Tomorrow's blog post will reveal the Big Mystery: What is wrong with my baby boy? A bad cold? Ear infection? RSV? Croup? Stay tuned...