The Wilderness: No Way But Forward

"Then the people of Israel set out from Mount Hor, taking the road to the Red Sea to go around the land of Edom. But the people grew impatient with the long journey, and they began to speak against God and Moses. 'Why have you brought us out of Egypt to die here in the wilderness?' they complained. 'There is nothing to eat here and nothing to drink. And we hate this horrible manna!'" -Numbers 21:4-5

"My company before is gone, and I am left alone with Thee."

-Charles Wesley, "Come O Thou Traveler Unknown" (#386 in the United Methodist Hymnal

I'm in the midst of a wilderness experience. Some people would use the term "desert experience", but the meaning is the same: a period of time where you experience spiritual dryness. I tend to experience God most powerfully in community, so my wilderness experiences tend to occur around periods of transition. As a borderline introvert who can be painfully shy (I can fake it to a certain extent) yet who is very relationally-oriented, that period of time when I have lost one support system and am in the LONG process of building a new support system can be excruciatingly painful. It usually takes me about a year to really trust someone, and that's with consistent contact: it will take more if contact is inconsistent. 

One of the characteristics of the wilderness is that it forces us to depend on God in a way we never have before...it's not that God really leaves us, but God doesn't always manifest Himself in the usual ways, and we are forced to depend on God, and God alone, to provide for our needs. 

In Egypt, the Israelites may have not have been free and they may have endured cruelty, but they had never known any other life, and chances are excellent that they still had plentiful food. In order to get to the promised land, they had to go through the wilderness...where food and water were scarce. God provided what they needed, but they grumbled because it wasn't what they were used to...they were used to having easy access to food and drink, and in the wilderness they had to depend on God for nourishment.

In my case, there was obviously no slavery or cruelty, but I went from having an abundance of Christian community, regular opportunities to be a worshipper and experience preaching, and a strong support system...to a new ministry setting in a new community where I am the one preaching and leading worship every week and where I have to build a new support system. Because I am a pastor in a rural area, because I've been so busy (what with my family being constantly sick all winter and the 11 funerals and the move and transition), and because the vast majority of my emotional strength has been spent on my congregation and family (meaning that I just don't have it in me to initiate new friendships, and am having a hard enough time keeping the ones I already have)...I've had a challenge building a new support system.

It's sort of like going from an all-you-can-eat buffet 24 hours a day to a diet of bread and water, and having to hunt and gather if you want more than what is provided. And the thought of taking my bow and arrow and finding new friends has been...exhausting and overwhelming for most of the past year. 

I am depending on God more than I ever have...and am certainly seeing God ALL OVER THE PLACE...in the people of my churches, in what God is doing here, in my children, in their teachers, in my colleagues...I know without a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be and that God is here with me. I SEE God, I KNOW that God is with me...but I rarely FEEL God's presence. So many days, I feel completely and totally alone, like I'm wandering in a dark room without a flashlight. In some ways, it's surreal...because how can things be SO VERY GOOD and I be SO VERY BLESSED...yet still break down in tears multiple times in a week? 

It's painful...and it's frustrating...and yes, there have been many murmurings on my part. If I have acted like a whiny, selfish, immature brat...those are the wilderness murmurings, and I'm sorry. The Israelites complained because they were sick of manna and had nothing to eat or drink...I complain because no one loves me, no one wants me, no one returns my phone calls or text messages, everyone's too busy with their own perfect lives to listen to my sad tale of woe, my life is harder than anyone else's (please hear the irony and self-deprecation in those sentences)...whine whine murmur murmur. 

I know I am loved by God and by others...I know I do have friends who are praying for me and who are there for me, especially if I tried a little harder to connect with them...it just used to be so much EASIER, and now it's much harder...I have to hunt and gather instead of simply heading to the buffet. However, it's forcing me to rely on God for intimacy, for companionship, for guidance...and that is helping me to become the pastor, the wife, the mother, the follower of Jesus that God is calling me to be. 

What my murmurings mean, and what I think the Israelites meant, too, is, "God, I miss Egypt, but I know I can't go back there...I know I'm where I need to be...I know you'll get me to the Promised Land eventually...but in the meantime, I'm pretty scared and feeling lonely and uncertain of what the future holds...and I need your courage, your strength, your wisdom, and your comfort." 

Here's hoping and praying that I find the Promised Land at the end of this wilderness experience...and that when the time comes, my experience in the wilderness will have prepared me to boldly and courageously enter whatever future God has for me. 

And maybe my murmurs will begin to quiet down...if not, please be patient. This wilderness thing is tough.