Before the Butterfly Comes the Cocoon

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us..."
Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

During a time of intense soul-searching this week, I had an epiphany. 

Eighteen months ago, I sat down with my then-District Superintendent and boldly told him, "send me to a church that is poised for transformation, but needs someone to lead them through it." It sounds cocky, but it's where I felt (and still feel) my calling and gifts lie...to bring hope and healing and new life to people and groups. 

When I met with the Pastor-Parish Relations Committee of my current appointment, I sensed that this was IT. As I got to know some of the leaders of both churches (particularly my larger church), I kept thinking, "this is it! This is the church I prayed for! This is the church I asked for!"

And it is. I have no doubt about that. None whatsoever. God has amazing things in store for this church. 

However, I made a mistake. That mistake was thinking that our ministry together was going to begin at the chrysalis...that point when the butterfly emerges, spreads its wings, and shows the world what it's made of. Another analogy is that I thought that our ministry together would begin at the entrance to the Promised Land; kicking butt in the name of God right and left as we harvested the milk and honey. 

If you know me well, you know that I am an incurable idealist who is also incredibly optimistic. "Tomorrow" from "Annie" is my favorite song. These traits can be very powerful gifts for a number of reasons, but they can also cause me to bite off WAY more than I can chew, not see reality until it pretty much punches me in the face, and become discouraged if these big dreams and high hopes don't materialize when they're "supposed to". 

All that being said, it makes sense that this weekend, I found myself sobbing on my husband's shoulder and telling him how I feel like an utter failure as a pastor/leader. After all, I've been here for almost a year, and a) worship attendance has remained the same, b) giving has remained the same, c) we are still behind on apportionments, and d) we have had no professions of faith. Externally, everything is the same. I feel like all I've done this year is preaching and funerals and pastoral care and getting to know people and transitioning my family and myself into this new life (and then there was the long fall/winter of sickness, including James and Susanna both having pneumonia while a hurricane raged outside). 

I had forgotten about the cocoon and the wilderness. The greatest transformation happens inside the cocoon, before the butterfly emerges. From the outside, it looks like nothing is happening. But amazing transformation IS happening...the world just can't see it yet. If the cocoon is forced open, the transformation is never completed.The Israelites had to have that long journey from Egypt to Israel, and then those 40 years in the dessert, in order to become the people that God was calling them to be.

At the right time, the transformation is complete, the cocoon breaks open, and the caterpillar emerges as a butterfly. 

At the right time (40 years; a Biblical number of completion), the Israelites ended their wilderness wanderings and entered the Promised Land, and did begin kicking butt right and left in the name of God as they entered the land of milk and honey. 

And at the right time...and it may very well be within this next year...although only God knows...we will emerge from our cocoon, from our own painful transformation...and the world will be able to witness what before only God and a few wise people could see. We'll see it, too...because I have learned for myself that in order for true transformation to occur, you have to first believe in yourself and be able to see you as God sees you. 

Transformation begins in the heart...and it begins internally...and only when that process is complete, do you begin to see fruit. I had forgotten about that. 

In the meantime...maybe God is calling me, and calling us, to remain in the cocoon a little longer, to be in the wilderness for a few more months, and to allow God to do some more internal renovation before the transformation is complete and before we enter the Promised Land.