How Can I Keep From Singing?

Random note: ten years ago today was my first day of seminary. James and I were engaged, but not yet married. Obviously, we had no children. So much has happened since then, and my life is very different than I thought it would be. However, I am thankful that I a) finished my MDiv, b) am still married to James, c) have my two beautiful children, and am d) active in ministry and anticipating a return to being a local church pastor. God is good. All the time. And all the time...God is good.

A couple of weeks ago, I slipped into church a few minutes late. James was sick and decided to stay home with Greg, and I had had a busy night (three deaths and a code blue). I had actually not gotten home until 9:45am (worship is at 11am), but managed to get myself showered and dressed, get Susanna dressed, and get to church by 11:10. Pretty impressive, huh?

I grabbed a seat in the back and wound up sitting next to our worship/music/technology person (her official title, I believe, is Director of Worship Arts and Technology). I sang with my usual gusto (I really like to sing). At the end of the service, she leaned over and said something along the lines of, "you should be on our praise team." My response? A slightly pained look at her, and "I'd rather preach at Annual Conference than sing in front of people." She then reminded me that I wouldn't be up there alone (of course), said that my pitch was good, that I knew the words, and that I was welcome to come to practice, just think about it, yadda yadda. A soft sell (she didn't get down on her knees or anything), but I sensed a sincere invitation. And while I don't know her well at all, I get the sense that she's not the sort to give out empty compliments.

I've been puzzling over that encounter. This is not the first time that someone in the congregation has commented that I have a "really pretty voice"; I've actually heard that sort of remark about five or six times, which is an absolute record for me. And with the exception of B, my former choir director, I don't think I've ever had a choir director comment on my singing AND invite me to join the choir/praise team. I've actually received more affirmation for my (congregational) singing at Oak Grove than anyplace else.

I've always loved singing. My mom tells people that she always knew I'd wind up behind a microphone; she just never thought it would be from a pulpit. I was in choirs in high school, college, church, and even my first semester of seminary. In college, I took voice lessons for three years, piano lessons for three semesters, and even planned on minoring in music until I hit the first semester of music theory (and a professor who really didn't belong in the classroom. Fantastic choir director, lousy professor). In other words, I'm trained. I'm passionate. And thanks to my voice lessons and Ms. G (my voice teacher), I would say that I'm a fairly decent singer.

But, I've never made it into an audition-only choir. I wanted more than anything to get into my college's Concert Choir, and I never did (I auditioned three times in a row). I re-auditioned for the Singing Seminarians at Asbury, and didn't make it. I have this tendency to "choke" and get so nervous during auditions that I wind up missing notes, sounding flat, etc.

So, I pretty much pushed that hobby/passion to the side and haven't visited it in years. I developed my gifts and skills in preaching and worship leadership. I feel very comfortable preaching, and can talk myself through any nervousness about that. But singing? In a praise team? On a stage? In our fairly large worship space? It sort of freaks me out. I meant what I told our worship person about preaching at Annual Conference versus singing in front of people.

But, what if...? Could all this affirmation be a sign that God wants me to use my gifts in that area? Or should I just stay in the congregation, and keep focusing on my gifts in preaching/worship leadership?

Anyone have any thoughts?