Lose the Mask, Please

This might get me in trouble. But, I'm not sure that I care.

I'll get right to the point: I am sick and tired of the way Christian culture encourages us to wear this mask of "everything is fine. I've got Jesus and I'm at peace. Go on with your day."

I see it in the local church, where there is an unwillingness to share our struggles, our brokenness, our doubts. We ask for prayer for everyone else, but never for ourselves.

I see it among clergy, where even among my clergy "friends", we tend to stick to surface topics. If someone brings up a deep, personal concern (and I'm not even talking about confessing to an affair; I mean sharing an internal struggle), they are, sooner or later, encouraged to deal with it somehow...but not in that setting.

This is reinforced as we go through seminary and the ordination process. After all, if we reveal that we're broken and not perfect, we might not get ordained. Even after ordination, there's the unspoken threat that "the person you're confessing your struggles to could be your District Superintendent some day."

We are encouraged to wear a mask. Not just to our congregations, but also to: our clergy colleagues, to our District Superintendents, to our Boards of Ordained Ministry...we are encouraged to pretend that everything is fantastic, even when it's not.

If we truly can't be honest about our struggles with our "inner circle" of clergy colleagues/friends, it's almost like we gave up our right to be human and authentic once we entered ministry.

It's not right. Masks don't honor God, they don't encourage community, and they do more harm than good to the individual wearing the mask.

A few disclaimers:

• Except in extreme personal circumstances, I will always advocate a pastor maintaining a calm, positive, non-anxious presence to his/her congregation. It's part of being a leader, and encourages congregational confidence and stability. There have been Sundays when I have not wanted to step into the pulpit because of fatigue, illness, grief, or discouragement, but I put on my big girl panties and put the needs of the congregation ahead of my own. There are times when you simply need to "fake it" and rely upon God's strength to carry you.
• I am also not an advocate of spilling guts to anyone who will listen. Discretion is important. However, in our clergy groups, our covenant groups, and with trusted clergy friends, we should be able to be vulnerable. 
• In terms of "brokenness"; in this post I'm not referring to affairs, addictions, embezzlement, or anything that might result in loss of credentials. No, in this post I'm simply referring to the pain and struggle that many of us experience through life and ministry. 

My struggle with being encouraged to wear a mask is that it does not come naturally to me. What you see is what you get. By nature, I am an optimistic, idealistic, joyful person. I like to have fun. I see the best in people and situations. However, when I'm in pain or struggling, I find it difficult to hide it. So, I'll put on "the mask" for my congregation and people in the community, but with my family, friends, and clergy colleagues (particular those with whom I am close)...I just can't maintain the mask. I have to be authentic about how I'm feeling and express the pain. 

The past six or so months have had a lot of pain. My sister-in-law died. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I applied for ordination and was told, "next year." I had some other unexpected struggles in my professional life. I am having to struggle with the reality that my mind does not work like everyone else's, and things  seem so "OBVIOUS" to everyone else are not obvious to me.  Add this to the reality that my spouse commutes an hour one way to work and I have two young children...and you've got a lot of stress and a lot of pain. It has to come out somehow. 

I've deepened my spiritual life. I pray, I read and meditate on scriptures. I take walks on the beach. Trust me when I say that God and I are closer than we've been in years. 

I have friends and clergy colleagues who I talk to...but of course, I have to be careful how often I talk to them and how much I share with them, because of "the mask" phenomenon. They're not going to be transparent and share their struggles, so if I do it too much, I wind up being the one with "issues". 

"Well, Patti, maybe you should see a therapist." I have one. A very good one. I see her every two weeks. However, that's just not enough when the stress and the pain are very high. I simply cannot keep my emotions and thoughts bottled up in between therapist appointments. 

I can't be the only one who sees this dichotomy. I can't be the only one who gets frustrated by this trend in the church and especially among clergy. I can't be the only one longing for transparency, for vulnerability, and for all of us to LOSE THE MASK. 

However, I seem to be one of the lone voices willing to challenge the status quo. 

For the record, I seriously doubt that I'll ever be a District Superintendent, so feel free to spill your guts to me. And even if I do become a DS, I will have forgotten everything by then, so you're safe.