If you know my mom at all, you know that she did not simply tell me, "I have breast cancer. I'm having an MRI tomorrow and major surgery right around your due date, bye!" Of course not, because my mom is much more...maternal and selfless than that. After giving me some details and answering some of my questions, we spent at least fifteen minutes discussing something else, namely how the heck James and I would handle the whole childbirth, hospital, and first few days at home since our plan had now been shredded to smithereens.
I have no doubt that Mom was upset/worried about the deadly disease coursing through her body, and that her birthday had been RUINED (she had just heard from the oncologist that morning). However, outwardly she seemed much more concerned about how we were going to cope and about brainstorming ideas, most of which involved calling James' mom as soon as I knew this was "it" and hiring someone else to stay with Susanna until James' mom arrived here (she lives 4-5 hours away). We also discussed me pleading with my OB to induce a week early.
We ended the conversation not really resolving anything, but agreed that we had plenty of time AND I kept reminding her that LOTS of people give birth without having families nearby to support them. If they could do it, so could we.
So, in my mind, my thoughts for the next few hours sort of went like this (interspersed with crying jags, of course): "My mom has cancer...she's having major surgery right when I'm supposed to have my baby...this isn't fair, I want my Mommy...calm down, Patti, it's just a few weeks, you'll get through it...right, after all, I can get through this...it's just temporary. Gotta think of the long-term, put everything in perspective...Stop being so selfish...After all, she's the one with cancer and facing major surgery...HOLY CRAP! My mommy has cancer! People die from cancer! She might die! I can handle her not being around for a few weeks, but what if she DIES? MY MOM CAN'T DIE! (Ignoring the fact that I have a husband and numerous friends who have already lost a parent) My children have to know her! Deep breaths...calm down...this is breast cancer which has a much lower mortality rate than say, pancreatic cancer. Mom had a clean mammogram in August, this was probably caught early. She'll have the surgery, maybe chemo and radiation, and chances are that by this fall, it will all be over. Right. Be positive." What also helped (and continues to help) is the knowledge that Mom is no weak sister. She is a fighter, a survivor, and if breast cancer does kill her eventually, it will not be without her fighting it with all she has in her.
By the time James got home several hours later, I was mostly in control of myself. The next day, we found out that Greg would be coming two weeks early, anyway, so that issue was resolved, and Mom's exclamation of "God is good!" when I told her that news was priceless.
So, the spring was kind of sucky (most of all for Mom, since she was the patient) because it was (in my eyes, anyway) a roller coaster of good news, bad news, and the accompanying emotions. Mom has the rarest, most aggressive kind of breast cancer possible. It's actually highly irregular for a Caucasian woman in her 60s to get this type. But Mom's always been an achiever, and our family tends to be "health care trendsetters", anyway. She had four surgeries in three months (I'm going to respect her privacy and leave out the details) and began chemo in June. She's responding well to the chemo, and is part of a clinical trial for a promising new chemo drug. Things aren't the same as they were a year ago, but I'm adjusting to the "new normal" and thankful that between God's grace and healing, the miracle of modern medicine (and the gifts of her oncologist), and Mom's own strength and determination, there is s a very, very strong possibility that Mom will be around long enough to see my children grow up and most importantly, for them to know her, make memories with her, and remember her when she does die, whenever that may be.
I will probably continue to write about this from time to time. Keep in mind that I'm writing from MY perspective, so I'm not speaking for my mother (I can't do that, since I'm not her). My posts will likely be about my thoughts, feeling, and experiences, and will have very little actual details about Mom. If you want details, ask my mom. Ditto for wanting to know her perspective on things. I'm not planning on giving any blow-by-blow accounts of her condition without her express permission.
Of course, Mom covets your prayers, as does the rest of my family. Prayers are always welcome.
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